“War. Uh. Good God what is it good for? Absolutely nothing.”
This little ditty came to mind when I read a recent article about the President of the Law Society, the unfortunately named Nicholas Fluck, opening up a “pro bono” clinic. I realised that in legalese (a language spoken only by lawyers) the translation would be:
“Conflict-resolution. Uh. (no translation) Almighty God quantum meruit? Pro bono.”
To assist you with this and other terms or words of legal jargon, I thought I would provide a helpful dictionary.
Litigation – arguing
Civil litigation – arguing in the County or High Court
Conflict resolution – civil litigation
Dispute resolution – trying to resolve conflict without using conflict resolution
Quantum meruit ?– how much is it worth?
Pro bono – absolutely nothing
Here are some more for property matters………..
Realty –property that is land
Property – property that’s not land
Conveyancing – the legal process of buying property that is land
Chancel search – searching for ancient church rights over land
“The Old Vicarage”, “Church Rise”, “Nunnery Walk”, “Abbot’s Mews” – addresses that so need a chancel search,
Phrases used in Court………….
“Am I pushing at an open door Judge or would you like me to continue?” – “Have I said enough to convince you or do you want me to waffle on a bit more?”
“I think you’ve made your point” – “If you think I’m giving anything away you can think again”
“In that case I’ll pray in aid” – “I’ll waffle on then”
“Huhhhhh” – “You’ve annoyed me now.”
“The Access to Justice Act” – the Act abolishing most legal aid and for those who can’t afford it, er, access to justice
Current terminology common to lawyers………..
Solicitor – common or garden lawyer
Counsel – barrister or lesser spotted lawyer
Local Authority – Council
The Law Society – solicitor’s trade union (non-striking)
The Bar Council – barrister’s trade union (non-striking)
Recent Court Walk Out in Protest at Legal Aid cuts – Going on strike
Mulberry handbag – much vaunted expensive handbag seen in the possession of lawyer striking in protest at the lifestyle impact of legal aid cuts
Having given you the translations you won’t of course need them if you use our firm. We are the “No Jargon” firm and if you hear us lapsing and coming out with such nonsense as” res ipsa locquitor”, “obiter dicta “and “tosh datwe tawkitus” (okay I made that one up), just tell us to stop praying in aid. We know when to take a hint. Or better still, tell us to stop waffling- job done.